


Expansive wave

by issa_asdf



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: After Samaritan, Canon Compliant, F/F, Shaw is whipped but shhh, Sort of ??????, ugh feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 18:14:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6715888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/issa_asdf/pseuds/issa_asdf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She has this light on her eyes, the kind of light that can set ablaze a whole charge of C4, the kind that could blow away half Manhattan. The kind of light that could make two constellations explode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Expansive wave

**Author's Note:**

> Proofread but not betaed. My most sincere apologies for every mistake under the sun

You feel her fingers intertwine with yours, it's safe, grounding. It takes you back to reality. You can feel her body vibrating with life besides you, and that silly smile she always has for you.  
You can also tell when she is worried and whenever she gets one of those crazy ideas of her. The sonic wave is like a million of constellations exploding, the whimper she makes is like newborn kittens mewling for their mom and you know it. You know that whatever that idea is it's gonna be the most dangerous thing ever.

You can't trust her, I mean, you can. But not when it comes to her life, she likes getting shot and you always tell her you do the things you do because of the mission. Your mission has morphed from helping Harold and John save people, to keeping her alive while trying not to feel the abundance of gross things she has started to make you feel. Root is one of those forces that comes and slams you against the wall without warning while you enjoy it. 

 

"Sameen" she says suddenly, and you will for your brain to say 'no' to whatever she wants you to say 'yes', you beg your eyes to not lit up the way they do whenever she says your name because that would give you away, because it would make you look like a sap and you aren't one. The sickening tone in which she says your name turns you into putty and sometimes into stardust. "Sameen" she says again and you tighten your hold on her hand.   
"Yes?" you ask, because what else can you do? You don't want to blurt out those sickening words (not because you don't feel them, but mostly because they're a waste of breath), but she knows it, she has felt you tap them in Morse code at 5 am on her back. You look pointedly at her, she has this light on her eyes, the kind of light that can set ablaze a whole charge of C4, the kind that could blow away half Manhattan. 

After a while Root looks at you and asks "Where did you go, sweetie?" And it makes everything come to you, the fact that you escaped from that facility. John and Harold not trusting you, The Machine having troubles to boot up, something called "codex bugs" that Root mentioned a few weeks ago, the whole team not having numbers to save and that case full of RAM cards gathering dust on the subway. You look at her and sputter, you clear your throat and cough. You have no idea where you went, no idea what were you thinking aside of the fact that Root is all bruised ribs, bags under her eyes and refusing to sleep alone in fear of waking up alone, or worse; with a scream trapped on her throat because her dreams feel real and you're nowhere to be found. "Nowhere" you tell her, and you have to suppress the urge to rub your hand against her bicep reassuringly, you have to suppress the words "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere" from coming out of your mouth because what for? What would it take for Greer to take you back and break your determination of not being one of Samaritan's assets, to don't betray your team, what would it take for Samaritan to snatch you away from your team, from Root once again. You fight your instincts and it feels almost normal. 

You oversee the fact that when Root looks at you she still trusts you blindly, she still looks at you like you put the goddamn stars on the sky. And that, that is what -probably- bothers you the most. She is so in love with you that if you were pointing a Uzi at her she'd still glance at you like you were made of clouds and everything soft. You don't want to talk about having been at that facility, mostly because the light on Root's eyes goes away and instead all you see is this blind rage, that thirst of vengeance that you know if you switched places would be in your eyes too. And Root, she is broken hopes and smiles that don't reach her eyes when she asks Harold about the Machine, she is a bruised ego and a broken heart because she thought she'd lost you on that building several months ago. And you know how many times she had been close to find you, because the sick bastard of Greer told you that, he told you when Root almost caught you on that hospital, and that she also killed Martine with a flick of her wrists. You remember being in that hospital bed and smirk at the prospect of Root breaking someone's neck. Fierce Root who never lose her hopes of finding you, the same one whose scream pierced through your ears when you pushed that button and the trigger of your gun hoping that Martine took your life instead of your liberty. 

And your insides get all squeamish whenever you think of Root, it's disgusting. You're not used to that kind of feelings, probably because you have never felt this much when you have been seeing someone. You two aren't officially together but you stopped seeing other people, and Root probably did too because she looks at you like you're the sun; bright and warm, when all you dare to be now is a damaged human. It hurts, it physically bothers you, like a bullet hole, that Root still trusts blindly on you when you aren't capable of trusting yourself. Because what if some day, soon probably, you take a gun and start shooting people? What if you've had a tracker inserted somewhere in your body and Samaritan knows about the operation base at the subway? You couldn't do that to your team, to Root. Not after everything she has done for you, what they all have done for you, your mouth feels like cotton and your limbs feel they're made of casted iron whenever you think of this. You scratch your ears, even though there's nothing in there, you see Root's scar on her right ear and it itches like it was in yours. You stay away from your own guns, from the bags that Reese and Root have filled with guns, magazines and grenades. You don't trust yourself, and you're showing symptoms of PTSD, nightmares, tremors, reality blurred and everything. Your medical side says you have to seek professional help, but all your covers are blown and Sameen Shaw has been dead for almost a year, and there's no way in hell you start using ridiculous names like Root. You start distancing yourself from Harold, John and Fusco. You start evading Root, even if it's hard for both of you, it pains you, physically pains you to do it because for once you know that the other person doesn't want you to change the way you are, and is willing to take whatever you can give them when it comes to relationships. But you do it anyway and it hurts worse than all the weird crap that Samaritan did on you plus a kneecap and two bullets on your arms. 

You rationalize that after all that's maybe why Samaritan let you go. Or made easy your escape. You remember those days, when you first came to the base after Samaritan, the look on Harold's face when he saw you. The pain in Root's eyes, the way she looked at you, like you were a ghost. You sort of looked like one anyway. Pale and scared, you couldn't believe you made it to the Station. You're all bruised knees, wrists and a very bruised ego. The way that Root touched your face, the way she looked at you, the way her touch felt. It was healing, it was warm and it grounded you to reality. You were still overdosed on whatever they put you, less sober than wasted and she looked at you, whimpering your name, not believing you were there. 

Root evokes a lot of feelings you didn't know you were capable of feeling, and you're not even sure you want to stop her doing whatever she does to you and with you. Since you two meet, and after that first mission, you two have been Root&Shaw, you don't call each other silly names, except Root keeps calling you "sweetie" and you've always known she is a stubborn ass., so whenever she calls you that now you know she is trying to make those painful months disappear, she is trying to bring _her_ Shaw back, you know she is trying to merge the pre and post Samaritan Sameen Shaw to this new person who looks like you, feels like you but you don't trust entirely. And she asks you, she asks why you don't want to get close to her, to the guys, even to Bear who barely knows why you're so thin, so pale and frightened like a leaf, why do you shake so much. 

There are some nights when you just stop fighting your instincts and seek Root's warmth, when you just want to press against her left side and whisper in her ear that you'd destroy the whole milky way just to evaporate that haunted look in her eyes. Those nights she tangles her hand in your hair, massages your scalp and kisses your forehead. She tells you that she doesn't need universes destroyed, that she only needs you to be back in your feet, that she just needs you. That she is getting tired of fighting the evil forces. You know that there are days when Root barely gets out of bed and stays with you with the excuse of having to code something for Harold, for the Machine, for the mission. You're afraid to ask if she means redeploying the Machine or be sure you stay safe, you've told her that you don't need a babysitter and she smiles at you, one of those old smiles that reach her eyes. "Don't be silly, Sam" and she waves you off, "Ask Harry, we need a new module that's capable of…" she starts babbling away, and you stop paying attention because that whole techie bullshit has been her forte since eons ago. 

Before Samaritan took you, you two had talked about the nature of your relationship, you've told her that you don't do relationships, that all your past relationships have been somewhat not even functional because your partners were the kind of people who needed constant reassurance that you liked them, that they needed constant touch, cuddling after sex and all that kind of crap that you don't do. She used to tell you that she'll take whatever you could offer her, casual or steady. Then you had to stop giving a shit about other people, because sometimes the smiles were not the same, or their hair wasn't the right shade of brown, or even your name didn't sound right from their lips. You mentioned this to Root, casually obviously, because Root has the goddamn habit of getting all excited for this meaningless shit and her big chocolate eyes lit up because of you, and if that isn't the grossest thing ever then fuck it.


End file.
